Free humour Kindle books for 19 Dec 13

Bury Me with My Pearls (Humor & Entertainment, Comedy)

by Jane Jenkins Herlong

Bury Me with My Pearls is a real-life, roller-coaster ride of laughter, tears, and stomach-churning truths by a professional speaker, humorist, and singer who, as Miss South Carolina, represented her state in the Miss America pageant and has been singing, speaking, and writing ever since. Incorporating the analogy of pearls, this book uses humor and spiritual principles to bravely address difficult issues many in her audiences encounter within changing roles, self-actualization, and families.

Bury Me with My Pearls addresses the importance of how to guard the countless gifts given by our Lord and that doing the right thing is the right thing, regardless of our feelings or circumstances. It is about trusting God in all things and how he can turn our irritants into to pearls. Bury Me with My Pearls encourages us to develop our pearls, protect our jewels, carefully wear them next to our hearts, and share with others. All of this with a good splash of humor.

Explore how to walk in love while pruning the family tree in an environment filled with difficult people and how God’s power is released when learning to trust Him, to embrace the lessons being taught, and to grow spiritually no matter how painful. Like the process of the pearl, so many women need to find and embrace their buried treasures.



Minecraft: The 50 BEST Seeds in Minecraft

by Mark Mulle

The nature of Minecraft means that there’s virtually no end to the amount of seeds the player can encounter. That means an endless number of worlds to search through! But why slog through it yourself? We’ve collected 50 of the coolest seeds in the Minecraft world for you to use as you like –giant mountains, endless oceans, frozen plains, deep junglesâ?¦

“Minecraft: The 50 BEST Seeds in Minecraft” will take you wherever you want to go! You can:

– Start next to villages filled with resources

– Crazy contrasts! Deserts and ice plains collide!

– Find a secluded island to live on

– Pick from any number of cavernous mountains for your fortress

– Find the most beautiful spot in the endless world of Minecraft

– Find the craziest geography- start in the clouds and jump down to the ocean!

– Begin on maps filled with treasure! Diamonds in 15 seconds? Sounds good!

With this ultimate Minecraft seed guide, your Minecraft game will be even better and exciting . It also includes a section of older seeds so your modded games can work here too! Every biome, every type of world, every feature and every place is ready for you to load up and explore. So what are you waiting for? Jump in!

Have a copy and discover the 50 best Minecraft seeds!



Without My L C B

by Terri Douglas

When Susan finds out the lying cheating bastard also known as her husband is having yet another affair with yet another bimbo, she knows this is one affair too many and must do something about it.
After a phone call from the errant Richard, or Dick as she prefers to call him much to his annoyance, with a not very convincing excuse to stay out all night Susan determines enough is enough, she’s reached the end of her Dick tether and he’s got to go. With the support and help of her best friends Marie and Barbara, she packs his bags and waits for him to get back from his illicit tryst with the panting Dee Dee to drop her bombshell. But will she survive without her LCB?



Buddha Breaking Up: A Guide to Healing from Heartache & Liberating Your Awesomeness

by Stephanee Killen

The world needs another self-help book like it needs another Reality TV show. At least, that’s what I would have said a year ago, right up until I found myself in need of somethingâ??anything!â??to pull me through the worst breakup of my life. What do you do when you want to be gracious, graceful, pragmatic, and filled with equanimity, but you’re so hurt and angry you feel as if you could go around town ramming your car into random stationary objects without batting an eyelash? What do you do when your friends and family run out of platitudes and old, tired slogans like, “Time heals all wounds” and “Better to have loved and lost…”? (Slogans which, incidentally, make you want to scoop out your frontal lobe with a melon baller.)

This is the stuff that drives us to the very edge of annihilation. At least, it feels that way. It feels like a very real obliteration of the self. But this breakdown can be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, or it can be the best thing for precisely this moment in your life.

“Buddha Breaking Up” is a modern-day spiritual guide for how to embrace dramatic, life-altering change and use it as a means of rediscovering the Self. It answers the age-old question, What’s next? (Changing out of your bathrobe and combing your hair.)

Combining humor, pop culture, and Zen principles, Part I of “Buddha Breaking Up” explores the science of falling in love, provides useful tools for riding out the heartbreakâ??including how to handle social networking and other technology apparently designed for liberal applications of self-tormentâ??and offers unique and practical techniques for moving through the lowest depths of the shattering. Part II, “The Bodhicitta of Breaking Up,” illuminates methods for battling the wounded ego, dealing with anger, creating better relationships, and finally, loving and valuing yourself so you can reach a place of acceptance and grace in your new life.



Don’t Be An Asshole! Creating a Better World through Self Awareness, Common Sense and Decency.

by Albert Vidal

Are you an asshole? Yes? No? How do you know either way?

Being an asshole has a different meaning to different people. It varies by social class, race, gender, personality, mood, etc. Because of this, it can be a difficult thing to pin down, but in general, following the basic rules of applying common sense to most situations and being decent towards others will usually render you “asshole-free”. Confused? You’re not alone. People by the millions walk around every day performing actions they deem completely acceptable; Never cognizant of the fact that they just became a total asshole to someone around them. Maybe they ARE aware and just don’t give a crap. Those that fall into the latter category are probably too far gone to be saved but if YOU care, you should definitely read this book.

“Don’t Be An Asshole!” defines the specific types of assholes you may encounter and tries to examine why some people become the assholes they are, how to cope with them and what you can do (or not do) to make sure you don’t become one yourself. It lists many a situation and place where asshole behavior is prevalent so that you can either prepare yourself or avoid them altogether.

Still confused? Maybe this will help. Imagine a book that could help you learn:

How to deal with stress

  • Because asshole behavior stresses us out! What’s better for stress than having your feelings justified by a complete stranger and having a laugh or two while you’re at it?
  • How to deal with difficult people

  • The term “difficult people” itself implies people who are assholes. C’mon, if they weren’t being assholes, would anyone think they are “difficult”? I can think of a lot of “difficult” people right now and every last one of them is an asshole. This group can include friends, employees, employers or just complete idiots.
  • How to deal with conflict resolution

  • There is no other cross section of society that is more intimately familiar with conflict than the asshole crowd. They can find or initiate conflict anywhere. Ballgames, the movies, church, online, in your bedroom… ANYWHERE. Do you wanna be caught helpless when you find yourself in a conflict with one of these good mood oppressors? You could even just hand them a copy of this very book and call it a day. They’ll get the point.
  • Will this book help you find your soul-mate, find a better job, lose weight, increase your penis size or otherwise change your life?

    Probably not but who knows?

    Will it give you the power to passive aggressively make your feelings known to jerks in your life?

    You betcha! Just hand them a copy and a smile.

    Will it make you a star at the next “white elephant” gift-swapping, holiday party?

    Fo shizzle! Miss Mason-Jar-Wine-Glass ain’t gonna have nothin’ on you next year.

    Life changing? No. Fun as all get-out? Yup!

    Don’t Be An Asshole! – Part comedy, part therapy. A tongue-in-cheek look at why, where and how people act like assholes and what we can do to make sure we’re not one of them.



    Commercial Transportation Jobs Professional Freight Relocation and Hauling Stuff

    by Hamburger Fry

    On my writing PC this book is 44 pages long with a word count of 14,869.

    Have you ever thought about getting into driving a big rig over the road, or doing local deliveries in a day cab semi? How about running dump trucks, or concrete trucks, on a road work site?

    Ever fancied zipping around the region or the nation in an expeditor vehicle?

    If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you might want to take a look into this book.

    I give a brief and sometimes humorous, overview of some of the jobs in commercial transportation. I’ll tell you a story or two, while I talk about past jobs and things I’ve done.

    If you are curious about life as an over the road trucker, I get a little more extensive in explaining some of the daily duties of that profession.

    This is mostly me, talking about my experiences in commercial trucking, along with some of the job details of each field.

    This is meant as a light hearted read, more for the curious, but could help folks thinking about taking a job in commercial transportation.

    If there’s one thing I want anyone interested in taking a job in commercial transportation to know, it’s, SAFETY FIRST. It only takes one second to change, or end someone’s life.

    Commercial transportation is an interesting field. Getting a job driving a big rig, or any vehicle over the road, could sometimes lead you to, The Twilight Zone. Somewhere in this book, I provide the perfect example of this.



    Boldly Going: A Practical Guide To First Contact With Alien Species, And How To Have Hot Kinky Sex With Them As Quickly And Safely As Possible

    by David Adams

    For as long as mankind has cast their eyes to the stars, knowing that other worlds exist in the vast sea of our universe, we have wondered… are there space-hotties up there, and how can we bang them?

    Unfortunately science has not yet answered that first question to our complete satisfaction, but through the power of the Human imagination the answer to the second is now within our grasp. Science Fiction has provided us with a vast array of hypothetical alien species with which to potentially bump uglies with and this book shall explore some of the more popular ones, along with some general advice that’s just super useful to know.

    If you ever needed someone to tell you not to have sex with a Xenomorph, this is the book for you. Or maybe you were looking for help with wooing a Super Logical Space Elf? Perhaps you saw the Gangster Space Slugs and decided, hey, maybe I’d look good in a slave girl costume? If you’ve ever needed straight up advice about knocking boots with fictional aliens, well, you’ve needed this book.

    Boldly Going is a funny, lighthearted look at how a particularly amorous spacefaring individual of any gender or sexual preference might go about achieving sexual satisfaction with any alien species. It’s designed to make you laugh, and think. Or in some cases… not think.



    99 More Reasons to Hate Cats: Cartoons for Cat Lovers (99 Reasons)

    by Tom Briscoe

    Only 99 reasons was not enough! We now have a sequel: 99 More Reasons to Hate Cats. You’ll find yourself and your cat (or cats) in the pages of this fun, funny cartoon book for cat lovers.

    All of the reasons are inspired by daily life with real cats. Short biographies of each of the felines who inspired the art are included in the back of the book.

    Each of the 99 reasons are amusingly illustrated with original cartoon art. Illustrations are shown in color on your Kindle app (on iPhone, iPad and Android), Kindle Fire and the Amazon Cloud Reader.



    Stop Gambling Now

    by K.E. Hall

    DON’T JUST “READ IT”, “TAKE ACTION” TODAY!!

    This ebook is designed to help you take action to accomplish your goals today. If you are expecting 200 pages of funny stories and fluff in this ebook, this is not the ebook for you. This ebook is all about helping you take action today to accomplish your goals. So how do we help you take action today to accomplish your goals? As part of this ebook, we have included a full license key for sophisticated software that we sell on our website for $69.95 that uses cutting edge voice technology that guides you through a step-by-step process that helps you quickly accomplish your goals. The software is why our ebook price is higher. So if you want to “TAKE ACTION” today to accomplish your goals, this is the ebook for you.

    Stop Gambling Now

    This is a complete stop gambling program that includes the quick guide and Stop Gambling Now software.

    Includes FREE Stop Gambling Now Software ($69.95 Value)

    Platforms: Windows XP, Vista, 7

    What is Stop Gambling Now Software?

    Stop Gambling Now is a software program that provides you with the tools needed stop gambling now. The software takes you through a daily stop gambling success process designed to help you stop gambling now.

    Software Features:

    – Systematically drives you to stop gambling on a daily basis using a step-by-step stop gambling success program.

    – Daily prayer, success confirmations and hypnotic session to help you remove the desire of gambling from your subconscious mind.

    – Simple voice-driven user instructions provided at every step in the process.

    – Daily knowledge session to help reinforce your desire to stop gambling.

    – When you have completed the program, you will be awarded a “Stop Gambling Success Certificate”. Print out your “Stop Gambling Success Certificate” and display it proudly in your home and place of business.



    A Mother’s Day Mix: The Ambitious Millipede’s Mother’s Day Gift And Every Groundhog Has Its Day

    by R.E. Skibiski

    In THE AMBITIOUS MILLIPEDE’S MOTHER’S DAY GIFT, an ambitious but forgetful millipede realizes what day it is at the last minute, which means that he doesn’t have a gift. His siblings don’t see a problem, advising him to give a simple hug, the very gift that each one of them is going to give. A hug? That’s too run of the mill for the ambitious millipede, and so he goes out to find a much, much better gift. Fortunately for him, not only is he ambitious, but he’s also clever, and he soon thinks of the perfect gift for his many-footed mother: shoes. Where, though, can he get his hands on some in a hurry? It’s a spiderweb that he happens upon that answers that question for him. Fortunately for him, not only is he ambitious and clever, but he’s also bold, and so he boldly asks a spider to sew him lots of shoes. The spider reluctantly agrees, but one spider alone won’t be able to make enough shoes in time, so the ambitious millipede has no choice but to go all around to get more spiders to volunteer their sewing services. Needless to say, the task takes all day and all night. But will it be worth it in the end? And In EVERY GROUNDHOG HAS ITS DAY, a humdrum groundhog goes out on Groundhog Day Eve to gather enough food to tide him over, for he loathes the next day’s holiday and plans on waiting it out in his den. Feeling overlooked by all the folks who choose to pay attention to Pennsylvania’s far-famed groundhog, he’s not a happy camper at all. While he’s out searching, it happens that some flies on rotting berries spot the woebegone woodchuck, strike up a conversation with him, and after hearing his gripes, give him some advice. Contrary to what you might think, such advice isn’t one bit rotten, and in the end, the insightful insects’ pep talk helps the groundhog see things anew.



    State Departments Handbook How to Spot A Terrorist

    by The State Department

    A lot has been said about the 9/11 hijackers’ unusual behavior in the days before they boarded their ill-fated flights. Several of them were repeatedly questioned, but no one recognized their lies.

    In this global age, one of the most important skills an average citizen needs to develop is the ability to spot a terrorist. This is a vital skill to ensure both national and personal security.

    Now with the State Departments Handbook – How to Spot A Terrorist you will have the tips and signs to look out for right at your fingertips. Also including important contacts.



    Love Bird Cafe’

    by Linda Ballou

    Hawaiian holiday turns mysterious when long-time friend leads narrator on a downhill slide into Rainbow Valley. The secret hidden there is revealed in this mini twisty-turner set in modern day Hawaii on the sleepy isle of Kauai. With a derelict parrot named Barfly on his shoulder, Sky says it’s never too late fly.



    Girl Hunt Video Game Strategy Guide

    by Shawn Wray

    (This Book Includes A Full License Key To The Girl Hunt Video Game)

    Learn how to win playing the Girl Hunt Video Game. The Girl Hunt Video Take You Through The Life of Max Rush. Below is the story of Max Rush.

    The Girl Hunt Story

    In 2005, Max Rush was just a geek computer programmer that worked for the National Security Agency in Washington, DC. His only claim to fame was that he got a perfect score on his Scholastic Aptitude Test. Frustrated with his job at the National Security Agency, Max designed an algorithm that enabled him to identify patterns in lottery numbers over time. On December 19, 2009, Max won $100 million from the Powerball Lottery using his algorithm. Armed with $100 million, Max set out to reinvent himself. Max got new clothes, bought a new red Ferrari and bought penthouses in New York and Miami. However, there was one problem, with all the money and material things, Max had no game when it came to girls. Basically, Max was flat out scared to talk to girls. So Max being the quintessential geek at heart, decided to used his software programming skills to solve his problem and immediately started developing his own interactive video game in order to help him to learn how to meet girls.

    Max played his video game every day for three months to try to improve his social skills around girls. When it was time for him to test his skills with real girls, he headed to the place where some of the most beautiful girls in the world are located, South Beach, Florida. Max started going out to bars and clubs in South Beach and sure enough, all the stills he learned from his video game immediately kicked in. Now meeting beautiful girls was like taking candy from a baby for Max. Everywhere he went, he ended up meeting and dating beautiful girls.

    The video game stayed on Max’s laptop and he still played the video game almost every day, until one day, things took a drastic turn for the worst. While on vacation in Thailand, Max was partying with some sexy girls from Bangkok that he had met in one of the hottest Bangkok clubs. Max and the girls went back to his penthouse hotel to continue the party. One of the girls Max was partying with stole his laptop that had the game on it while he was sleeping. When Max woke up, the girl, his wallet and his laptop were gone. The girls sold the laptop to a Bangkok gangster name Jack Chang, who himself, started playing the video game every day. Jack enjoyed the game so much that he decided to quit his life of crime in order to go into the video game business. Jack believed that the game was so good and beneficial to men, that every man in the world would be willing to buy the game. Jack Chang is now bringing the game to market for millions of men to experience throughout the world. Bangkok gangster Jack Chang invites you to enjoy the Girl Hunt Video Game.



    A to Z Tongue Twisters for kids

    by M John

    Tongue Twisters are funny phrases, ridiculous rhymes, and silly sentences which are hard to speak fast, usually because of alliteration or a sequence of nearly similar sounds. It helps develop speech skills & helps in speech therapy.

    This book is all about different humourous and silly twisters for twisting your tongue and giving your tongue a fast exercise with improvement in speech also.

    I as a Kid used to love tongue twisters and now I am teaching these to my children and also use some time in my class for humour.



    Christmas Jokes: 300 Christmas Jokes

    by Tanya Turner

    Christmas time is a great time to share jokes and make your loved ones laugh!

    The Christmas spirit is filled with laughter and merriment, and you can make this season truly memorable by keeping that joy and fun going throughout the whole holiday by telling jokes.

    And “Christmas Jokes: 300 Christmas Jokes” contains the funniest jokes for the season.

    Some of the featured jokes inside:

    Here Comes Santa Claus Jokes

    Winter Humor Land

    Give a Laugh, Get a Laugh

    Snowman Follies

    Reindeer Jokes That Make You Snort

    Santa’s Humorous Elves

    O Christmas Tree, How Funny are Thy Branches

    It’s All About Tradition

    The North Pole

    What Would You Get if You Crossedâ?¦

    Christmas Knock, Knock Jokes

    Have a copy and make this Christmas season extra joyful by spreading fun Christmas jokes!



    It’s okay, the reindeer are driving

    by Bob Markwalter

    Short, humorous reads to tickle your funny bone.



    Twilight of the Star Vampires (Book 3): A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

    by Paula Sunsong

    What happens when Twilight Saga vampire Edward Cullen meets Darth Vader meets Vulcan Spock? That question is answered in this parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek. Will Edward Cullen survive a fight with the evil Emperor of the Dark Side? Will vampire Vulcan Spock win over Princess Leia?

    This is a New Adult Paranormal and Science Fiction Parody based on #1 Bestselling series

    Excerpt:

    Aboard the Dearth Star, Luck was led into the cavernous throne room of the Emperor. The walls, floors, and stairs were all painted black. He stumbled over the dark stairs in the poorly lit room. “Geez, is everything black in here? I’m going to sue if I twist my ankle.”

    “Come here, boy,” said Emperor Palpitate. “From here you will see the final destruction of your Alliance and your insignificant rebellion.” Palpitate indicated a window.

    Luck peered out the window. “I don’t see anything.”

    “Look closer.”

    Luck pressed his nose against the glass. “Nope, I still don’t see anything.”

    The Emperor moved closer to the window. “There it is. Those dots are fighting spaceships.”

    “Those dots are the final destruction of the Alliance, and my insignificant rebellion? It’s not that impressive.”

    “Oh, for the love of god, Cater, give us some binoculars!”

    A hole opened in Cater’s helmet, and binoculars rose out. Ten minutes later, Palpitate, Cater and Luck were still arguing which dots were fighting spaceships, stars or just dirt on the windows.

    “Don’t you want your light saber?” Palpitate patted the shiny handle of Luck’s light saber. “Isn’t the hate swelling in you now?”

    “No, that’s just gas.” Luck patted his stomach. The Denebian slime burgers were coming back up on him.

    Emperor Palpitate held his nose. “Take your Jetti weapon,” Palpitate said in a nasal tone. “Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give into your anger.”

    “I’m not angry,” said Luck.

    “Sure you are,” said the Emperor.

    “No I’m not.”

    “Yes, you are.”

    “NO, I’m not.”

    “YES, you are.”

    “Sez you! But what would you know–your mother dresses you funny. I’m not angry,” yelled Luck.

    Emperor Palpitate looked down at his black robe. Cater had picked it out, saying it was the latest in villain haute couture fashion. Palpitate felt more hate culture than haute couture.

    “Damn it, you are angry,” said Palpitate. “And my mother, God bless her soul, dressed me just fine, unlike Cater.” Palpitate glared at Cater, then back to Luck. “With each passing moment, you make yourself more my servant.”

    “No!” Luck crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Palpitate.

    “It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now MINE!” Palpitate chuckled, but as he was still holding his nose, it came out like honks.

    “As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have failed,” said Palpitate. “Your fleet is lost, and your friends on the planet will not survive. There is no escape, my young apprentice. The Rebellion will die, as will your avatar in your favorite video game. Good. I can feel your anger. I am mostly defenseless. Take your weapon and strike me down with all your hate.”

    “Neither my friends nor my favorite video game character will die!” Luck reached with the farce to draw his light saber to him. His hand vibrated with the effort and sweat broke out on his forehead. The saber sat there.

    Palpitate coughed awkwardly “Oh, here, just take it,” he said and handed the light saber to Luck.

    Luck fired up his light saber as Cater strode boldly up.

    “Prepare to be taught a hard lesson, Luck,” said Cater smirking under his mask. He cut the air with his light saber, aiming with deadly accuracy at Luck.



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