Free humour Kindle books for 07 May 15

Shopping Survival Guide for Men: How a Guy Can Survive a Shopping Experience Without Having to Gnaw His Own Arm Off (Survival Guides for Men Book 1)

by Dan Van Oss

A frank and hilarious guide to every man’s mind-numbing nemesis: Shopping.

Guys: spent one too many Saturdays marooned at The Mall? Rejuvenate your manhood with the Shopping Survival Guide for Men. This indispensable sanity-saver exposes the hidden history and insidious psychology of shopping (Hint: it’s crazy), plus cool-headedly guides you through the treacherous, credit card-melting mazes of:

  • Shoes: “If you’ve ever been in the shoe section of any major department store, you now know what the gross national product of Belgium would look like if it consisted of footwear, which, for all I know about Belgium, it does.”
  • Makeup: “Egyptians used cochineal bugs to make red dye for their lips, and I don’t even care what â??cochineal’ means because the word â??bugs’ is after it.”
  • Prom Dress Shopping: “Like most men, all you know about prom dresses is that they are more expensive than a good set of tires.”
  • Fashion Terminology: “Puckered Bodice: A banned professional wrestling move involving a lemon, a folding chair, and a car battery.”
  • Shopping History: “1687: Isaac Newton develops the law of universal gravity after his wife’s shoe rack collapses on him.”

Melding together the whimsical wit of Douglas Adams, the laugh-out-loud narratives of Dave Barry, and the pop-culture cleverness of James Lileks, Dan Van Oss crafts a fresh and funny guide for any man who’s ever been trapped in the Seventh Circle of Dillard’s.

  • Learn about the Five Stages of Shopping Grief: “(Stage Four – Depression. That’s it. I’m going to die here, right here by this bored-looking, no-armed mannequin with a size zero waist wearing something that looks like it was sneezed out of Barbie’s closet.”)
  • Get tips on how to avoid shopping on Black Friday (“Hit yourself on the head with the Shiatsu Neck Massager with the Kung Fu Grip your wife bought for 75% off at last year’s Black Friday sale, and pretend you no longer speak your native language.”)
  • Identify the “Shopping Bends” (“…where the male body attempts to compensate for the relative drop in logic and bank account levels, and the corresponding increase in estrogen levels, by trying to die.”)

Comical bonus quizzes (“Shoe Brand, Kentucky Derby Horse or Hipster Band Name?”) help you pass the time until you’re asked to haul the bags out to the minivan.

Don’t get dragged to The Mall without it!


About the Author

Dan Van Oss grew up reading just about everything he could borrow from the town library, although admittedly sometimes just to get the sticker segments so he could complete the Reading Centipede for each book he finished. He’s a Midwest guy, having spent time in Michigan and Kentucky, but mostly Iowa, where he now lives. He started writing during college, where he enjoyed getting red lines drawn through his Creative Writing projects, and where he also penned a weekly column in the school paper under the pseudonym “Fletcher Ford”. He’s currently working on his Survival Guide for Men series, which will include books on Home Improvement and Sports. You can catch his weekly humor column called the Dubious Knowledge Institute at his author site, danvanoss.com.



Learn How to Win at Online BlackJack ‘Classic’ in under 10 minutes: How to Win at Online BlackJack in 14 Strategic Steps

by David Nickerson

My name is David Nickerson.

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Minecraft: The Minecraft Warrior (minecraft, video games, minecraft comics, minecraft diary, minecraft secret handbook minecraft handbook xbox playstation 1)

by Charlie Coolio

Benjamin Roscoe is having the birthday party of his dreams. All of his friends are around, the food is great and Minecraft is everywhere. What could go wrong? After a nasty fall, Benjamin is transported into the world of Minecraft. He’ll have to try to

survive, but who knows when he’ll return home?



100 Silly Rhymes

by World Knowledge

100 silly rhymes.



Tempest In A Teacup (The Baker’s Dozen Series Book 9)

by Walker Vaughn Ryderr

A themed anthology series masterfully woven by Walker Vaughn Ryderr. This edition is a very tempting collection of prose, poetry, and short stories, meant to be enjoyed by all.



How to Kill Stuff and Annihilate Zombies: A Zombie Apocalypse Novel

by J. A. Marian

Jim was minding his own business, enjoying a slice of pizza and a cold beer, when the zombie apocalypse literally tore down his front door. From that point on, the only thing he could hope to do was survive.

Accompanied by a too-soon retired nurse and a band of fellow survivors, Jim must overcome not only the impending doom and gloom brought on by the raving and raging zombies, but also a band of militarized mercenaries who seem hellbent on bringing down civilization as we know it.

How to Kill Stuff and Annihilate Zombies is an action oriented and humor laced tale of unlikely survival, uncompromising persistence, and all the zombie thrashing a person could possibly begin to hope for.



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