Free humour Kindle books for 16 Dec 16

The Funniest Things Said in 2016

This book is a collection of the funniest lines mostly from stand-up comedians and the monologs of late-night-talk-show hosts throughout 2016. Enjoy it, then share it with a friend.



LOTTERY WINNING SYSTEM: TURNS A GAME OF CHANCE INTO A GAME OF STATISTICS!

by Michael A Muse

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Caution: This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops For Boiled Peanuts

by Sean Dietrich

Sean Dietrich is an artful storyteller, who “… writes with humor, dripping Southern charm that you can’t miss.” (The Greenville Examiner).

A collection of short stories from the author of Sean of the South, and Lyla. Columnist, humorist, and novelist, Sean Dietrich, is known for his commentary on life in the American South. In his newest work, Caution: This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops For Boiled Peanuts, he delivers another set of quirky tales filled with smiles and a hefty dose of heart.



Dodgy One Liners Vol.2: More crap jokes from the interweb

by Nick Trott

More one liners to make you groan/smile/shit (circle one).

I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.
God knows what they were doing in my mashed potatoes though.

I’ve never actually seen two women scissoring but I’d bet you it sounds like an armpit farting contest.

Ewen MacDonald had a farm, E I E I O. And on that farm was a pair of dive boots…

I only ever take advice from people who like big butts.
Because they cannot lie.

Going to have a sandwich for lunch tomorrow. Wonder if I can find someone to come over and cut it for me.

I was in the pub and asked my mate if he remembered the theme to ‘Jaws’.
“Yeah.” he said, “It’s mostly about a big shark that eats people.”

Because of my excessive drinking, my doctor suggested alcoholics anonymous.
I now go out drinking under an assumed name.

‘Housewife’ sounds so much better than ‘unemployed mother’, don’t you think?

You know you’re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It’s an obscure number, you wouldn’t have heard of it.

My dyslexic mate got all angry when he told me a crap joke cos I said, “Bdum Tish.”
He said, “Don’t call me a dumb shit!”

There’s nothing grate about sliced cheese.

I swear I have Tourette’s…

Feng shui – Chinese for ‘how to make money out of OCD sufferers’.

The Indian girl next door said, “We had an arranged marriage.”
I said, “Yeah so did we, otherwise nobody would have turned up.”

Every cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I should have died in 1879.

What is it with blind people and their obsession with labradors?

My Doctor said I have a problem with alcohol.
But I told him I don’t have a problem, I like it!

Broken glass tastes just like blood.

If guns don’t kill people, people kill people – does that mean toasters don’t toast toast, toast toasts toast?

The woman at the check-in desk asked me, “Have you left your bag unattended at any time?”
I replied, “Well, it was in the attic for a year.”

I took this personality test on the internet and it said, “Describe yourself in one word.”
I answered, “Not good at following instructions.”

Apparently, clumsy people are more likely to be obese.
That’s because they keep walking into things… like McDonald’s.

I would much rather follow Rolf Harris to his dressing room than follow The Ridges on Twitter.

I’ve been sitting here hours waiting for the plumber to come.
Tantric porn films get a bit boring after a while.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat…
Was the first thing I learned when I started working in a Chinese restaurant.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club is…
Milk and two sugars

Very sad news today, Justin Bieber was found face down in his hotel room. He’s alive and well.

“Mr. Mercury? Yeah, it’s Beelzebub. I’m calling to say that if you don’t pick up your devil this week, it’s going back on sale.”

I’ve had vinyl flooring laid throughout the house.
It has a warmth that CD flooring can’t match.

I’m thinking about having surgery to make my legs and neck longer, but my wife’s worried I’ll ostrichsize myself.

If you’re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.

If bigger is better then why aren’t hot chicks fat?

After I read her the riot act, my daughter decided that Mum’s bedtime stories are much better.

The world is $4 trillion in debt.
Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

The hardest part of owning a dog is telling him he’s adopted.

I keep having flashbacks about plastic underwater castles.
Honestly, I’ve got the memory of a goldfish.”

If scientists weren’t so busy advancing laundry soap technology, we’d have flying cars and light sabres by now.

What’s brown and sticky?
Ethiopians.

Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.



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